I have no fancy titles...

Heck, I don't even have fancy words.

Let me say it again; I have neglected this poor little blog. No, I haven’t been unbelievably busy. I haven’t been unbelievably un-busy either. I’ve just…been. And we have some catching up to do.

First of all, I am no longer employed. Since last December, my job at the animal clinic had been getting less and less enjoyable. The other kennel worker took to calling in nearly every week, and sometimes more, leaving me to work for her on my days off. The days she did work, she left me with unfinished chores to take care of in addition to my day's work. She always wanted to change hours making my schedule increasingly irregular, and I couldn't sleep anymore, paranoid about getting called in, or dreading all the extra work she'd leave me. And then, on the 16th, I was cornered by my boss, on yet another day I was called in to work for that infuriating woman, and was told that MY work has been 'unsatisfactory'. Nice. Oh, and immeasurably humiliating as well. With the support of my parents, to whom I have been paying rent, I quit on Saturday. No notice, just wrote out a letter, taped my key to it, and left. But not after covering for the unreliable coworker just one more time, because I think it was the right thing to do, if not for them, then for me.

You may have noticed that I said I’d been paying rent to my parents. That’s because I moved into an apartment in January…and moved back home very soon after. Do you ever just *know* when it’s not right? That was me. I wanted desperately to just move forward, to take a step toward, well, something. But that was the problem. Nothing else was different. I was still without a social life, I was still in a band-aid job, I was still in a town that I have felt like a stranger in for most of my life. I was just isolating myself, becoming separate from the two people here, my parents, that were a source of comfort. It really wasn’t right. For the first couple weeks back home I felt ashamed and humiliated, angry with myself me I couldn’t make it work, that I wouldn’t make it work. But it wasn’t right. I know that.

Since quitting my job, I’ve obviously had a lot of time to think. I was helped through my ‘ordeals’ with the help of a couple of wonderful friends and my parents, but when it comes down to it, I’m still here with my thoughts, analyzing, dreaming, hating, and loving. As far as I’ve come in my photography on my own, I recognize that a degree would be immensely helpful in finding work and coming into a satisfying career. I’ve also recognized that I am terrified of the unknown, of change, and of moving forward. I MUST change that. I MUST step out of my comfort zone and not turn back if I want a shot at happiness.

Just today I emailed my old high school counselor asking for help in looking for photography programs in my state and the surrounding area. Just to look for now, because, yes, I’m terrified. But I’m taking a step, as small as it is.

We’ll see what happens.

Meme

I have come to realize that my butt: is one of my most feminine qualities.

I have come to realize that when I talk: it's hard for me to find my voice.

I have come to realize that if I love someone: it's almost guaranteed that they won't love me back.

I have come to realize that I need: to figure a way out of this mess.

I have come to realize that I lost: my Daughtry CD for good.

I have come to realize that I hate it when: People tell me to smile.

I have come to realize that if I’m drunk: it will be the first time.

I have come to realize that marriage: might be my impossible dream

I have come to realize that work: is killing my spirit.

I have come to realize that I will always be: HSP

I have come to realize that I like: having friends from all over the world.

I have come to realize that the last time I cried was: just a few seconds ago

I have come to realize that my cell phone is: practically obsolete, as no one calls me.

I have come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I'm nauseous

I have come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: My head is filled with every thought imaginable

I have come to realize that right now I am thinking about: getting over him.

I have come to realize that babies: might not be what I want for myself.

I have come to realize that today I will: be even more exhausted than before.

I have come to realize that tonight I will: be bitter about having to work again tomorrow.

I have come to realize that tomorrow I will: probably cry again.

I have come to realize that I really want to: be content.

I have come to realize that working out: is something I don't do so well.

I have come to realize that friends: are few and far between

I have come to realize that the person who might repost this is: No one.

Dreamstate

I had one of those dreams last night. You know, the kind that is just so good, so emotionally inspired, and so tangible that once you wake up, you know it will follow you the rest of the day? Yeah, one of those. A part of me loves these dreams. They have the capability to fill me with hope for what’s to come, and to feel privileged that I at least got to live it out in my head if nowhere else.

But oftentimes these dreams are a source of pain for me. A perfect scenario that felt so real in my mind, but wasn’t, can be a form of torture, especially when it’s the one thing you pray for every single day. When it’s the one thing you’ve been assured will never happen. When it’s the one thing you’d be willing to give up almost anything for.

I know I’m young, I’m reminded of this all too often, but really, what difference does that make? Does it make these things any easier knowing I potentially have decades ahead of me? Does it make my dreams, my feelings, any less real? Of course not.

So, what can I do about it? I can keep praying. I can be grateful for a dream that gave me joy while it lasted. And I can do my best to let it go.

But that dream state sure does cloud your mind…

November 14

I know, I know, I just keep getting worse at updating my blog. The truth is, I often WANT to blog, but I can rarely get words to form cohesively from my many over analyzed thoughts. So let's just get down to it before I erase what I've already written, mmkay?

It is with just a twinge of regret that I announce this: I have given up on NaNoWriMo this year. It just wasn't working. I had the plot, I had the character, I had the background, I even had the outline, but when it came time to sit down and write my novel, it just didn't come out properly. I wanted The Time Catcher to be a wondrous collection of contemplation, experience, and imagery, but instead it was a forced string of words amounting to nothing but frayed half-thoughts and I didn't even see it as salvageable at 5500 words.

Yes, I did come up with another idea and easily matched The Time Catcher's word count, but I felt absolutely nothing for the story, and I wasn't having fun. NaNoWriMo is meant to be a joyous month of insanity....and I felt more like I was headed for the loony bin, ripping out clumps of my own hair. So, I gave it up, and I'm OK with that.

Next year, perhaps.

Since my last post, I turned 21 years old. It wasn't a particularly exciting day, but I enjoyed it. I did manage to get the day off, and I spent the time relaxing in the company of my parents. I had some wine, played some games, had my favorite supper (Parsley Chicken!), an awesome cake with a camera on it in frosting, and opened presents.

People ask me if I feel like I'm 21. The truth is, I think I feel a bit older in some ways, and just about 21 in others. It's nice to have my adulthood official, although I think I'll have to endure the surprise of strangers when they find out I'm not 15 for a few more years. Even when I work, some customers think I'm the boss' grand kid or something which is why I 'help out' sometimes.

One factor that may not help this is that I just put bright pink/red highlights in my hair. I couldn't help it, I get bored with my hair a lot and I didn't want to cut it shorter, I'm actually trying to grow it out. People tell me I give off a 'goth' vibe anyway, so might as well go all the way, right? I do like the highlights, they're....stimulating.

And now, before I bid you all goodbye for what I fear will be at least another week (now watch, I'll probably update every day...), I wanted to share a dream of mine I had recently. My first truly lucid dream that I can remember having:

I was in my back yard and I was petting my dog, Perky (who is dead), over by the office building we have....I became a little bit aware of my situation, I realized Perky was dead, and so she kind of turned to an inky black form and faded away.I decided to go sit in the grass by the tree in the middle of the yard. The grass was green where Perky was, but it was brown by the tree. I sat down and put my hands in the grass...and suddenly everything was covered in a layer of snow and I said to myself, "I'm having a lucid dream, I can do whatever I want.."

To test and make sure, I told myself I was going to do a back flip. I almost second guessed myself but made myself hold on to the fact that I was in control. The flip felt slow and safe, like I was under water. When I landed, I pushed as hard as I could off the ground telling myself I wanted to be in the heavens....and there I was. I looked down and there was nothing but velvety sky, dotted with stars beneath my feet. I smiled and thought how beautiful it was...and then it was over.

It was amazing.

Have a good week, everyone.

November 1st

I am

So

Tired.

The job I work at the animal clinic is fairly physical. I have to herd (and often wrestle) dogs of all sizes from kennel to kennel. There's a lot of lifting of dogs and 20-40 pound bags of dog food, bending to pick up poo and clean cages, and scrubbing the residue of said poo. Sometimes there's running. My days last 9 1/2 hours and on my regular schedule, I still come home dead tired, needing nothing less than my next day off to recover.

This week, the other kennel worker is sick. I have been working since Tuesday. I have to work tomorrow. And probably the next day (my 21st birthday). Oh, and the next day too.

I'm not made to handle working day after day after day. I actually get sick when I'm worked too hard. I almost cried when I was told I would have to work three more days in a row. Ok, I kinda did.

All this happening at the start of National Novel Writing Month. The first few days are crucial to finishing the novel. They set the routine that keeps a writer going. I've only been able to write about 300 words so far.

One thing did make me smile today though. When I got home from work, tears lingering in my eyes from pure fatigue, I opened the door to see a Fed Ex package sitting on the kitchen table. It was a birthday present from my best friend that I got to finally meet this summer. Thank you so much, Dear, I needed that.

It's That Time Again

November is coming up, and that means National Novel Writing Month is rolling around once again. Last year was my first year participating, and I had a blast. I never thought I had it in me to write over 50,000 cohesive words in thirty days, and I really did expect to fail, but I didn't, and simply succeeding was such an amazing high. I want to feel that again.

Last year, it wasn't until about a couple of weeks before NaNoWriMo started that I finally came up with a plot for my book. I didn't get much planning done, but I found that winging it really worked for me. I was able to flex the story to boost word count, and it actually came out somewhat comprehensible.

This year, I still plan to kind of go with the flow instead of doing too much outlining, but this time, I've had my basic plot for over a month now. I cannot wait to get started! I've missed the community, the pressure, the laughs over absurd typing errors, and the wonderful creative fulfillment.

Just one month, and writing for "The Time Catcher" begins...

God's Timing - It's My Turn

I've always been taught that everything happens in God's timing, and if you want something, pray for it, and the purpose for what you want is to glorify Him, you will have it. For a long time, I felt as if I was behind everyone else in "getting a life" I couldn't handle just any job, so I was unemployed for years. I have been trying to make a business out of my photography for three years to no avail. I've prayed, and I've prayed. Now, it seems, the time is right for my life to start coming together.

For a month, I have been employed at an animal clinic, taking care of the critters. I love it! My bosses and the rest of the staff are amazing, the hours are unbelievably flexible, and the pay is good. It has provided structure in my life that I didn't fully realize I needed until I had it.

This job has brought me a new permenant family member in a sweet little kitty named Eko, and a foster family in Mercy the dog and her puppies. It's wonderful.

The other day I stumbled upon a stock photography company based in my state. At the time, I was actually looking for specialty camera stores in the area. I decided to take a chance and emailed the company inquiring about becoming a photographer for them. They wrote back requesting samples of my work, which I promptly sent. I received another email asking for more samples, they liked what they saw, and asking if it would be okay to call me. I sent them more images as well as my phone number and they called me today. I get paid 50% of the commission off of any of my images they sell. They're sending me a contract soon. I'm SO excited! This is just what I've been wanting to do for so long!

Life is coming together. I am so blessed.